Top Ten Tuesday: How I’d Die In A Fantasy Story

This week’s Top Ten Tuesday topic is characters I’d like to switch places with. Um . . . small problem. Most of the books I read are harrowing. I am not cut out for "harrowing!" I wouldn’t want to switch places with the characters because I’d die immediately. So, that’s what I’m talking about today. If I switched places with a fantasy character, here’s how I’d die.

(If you like this post, check out how I’d die in a horror story.)

How I’d Die In A Fantasy Story

1. In a fantasy kingdom . . .

I’d be beheaded after retweeting a hilarious meme about the spoiled, incompetent boy-king. I’ve never been good at keeping my political opinions to myself.

2. In faux Medieval Europe . . .

I wouldn’t survive the first chapter. Do you know how many deadly diseases were scampering around faux Europe a thousand years ago? ALL of the diseases. I’d walk home in the rain one day, then swoon in the arms of my lover and never wake up. Hopefully I’d look dramatically elegant as I died. Luckily, I have an excessive number of sisters, so my lover could easily find a replacement-me and keep the plot moving.

3. If a mentor character showed up at my door . . .

I’d be a reluctant hero. I’d be so reluctant that I probably wouldn’t even answer the door. Why can’t mentors ever text first? The mentor would have to break into my house. Then the villain would take over the world while I’m arguing with the mentor about whether I’m allowed to wear comfy pants on our quest. I am NOT putting on work pants for this nonsense!

4. If I owned a powerful magical Thing . . .

I’d lose The Thing. Then a situation would pop up where I desperately needed The Thing. Then I’d be murdered because I didn’t have The Thing. If anyone is looking for The Thing after my death, it’s probably on my desk, under the junk mail. That’s where all lost objects seem to end up, magical or otherwise.

5. In a battle . . .

The villain would knock me down and point his sword at my chest. All hope is lost! It looks like I’m going to die. I’m glancing around because I’ve read enough fantasy stories to know that the heroine’s friends always show up at the last possible minute to save her.

My friends don’t show up. They know I’m more trouble than I’m worth. It’s best to get me out of the way early in the story.

6. In a world with an ancient curse . . .

I’d be the one who accidentally wakes up the curse. Yep, I’d blunder into the sacred tomb, smash the forbidden object, be tricked into freeing the villain’s followers from prison. It’s all an accident, I swear! I’m just clumsy and not very bright.

7. In a world where the species are homogeneous . . .

Can you imagine a world where a whole species looks and acts exactly like me? We’d rove across the mountains in vast herds, raiding your cupboards and pawing through your bookshelves. Luckily, we’re easy to kill. Just toss a nacho platter off a cliff. We’ll all go stampeding after it.

8. If I went on a quest . . .

I’d get lost. Very, very lost. And probably distracted. You’d find me eating nachos in a bar. Or petting random dogs in a nearby park. Or at the bookstore. Actually, before you send me on a quest, look up the rout on Google Maps and make sure there aren’t any bookstores along the way. If there are bookstores, I’ll never reach my destination. I will buy many books, though.

9. In every fantasy story . . .

My name would be Fäbéåmø’löcvn’lñnbí’z. I’d get murdered by the reader because no one enjoys long, unpronounceable, keyboard-smash names!

10. If I’m the “chosen one,” the only person who can save the world . . .

Make peace with the deity of your choice. We’re all doomed.

How would you die in a fantasy story?