Top Ten Tuesday: How I’d Die In A Horror Story

I love horror novels, but I’d be a terrible horror protagonist. I’d for-sure be the first character to die. In honor of Halloween and my complete incompetence, let’s look at 10 ways I’d die in a horror story.

How I’d Die In A Horror Story

1. If I was on a space adventure . . . 

An alien parasite would burst out of my stomach at an inopportune moment. I probably contracted the parasite from eating a questionable gas station sandwich. In my defense, there was bacon on the sandwich. Aliens know that I’m powerless against bacon.

2. If I was running from a monster . . . 

I’d trip over my own feet and get hit by a bus. It would be anticlimactic, but highly realistic. This actually came very close to happening to me in real life. Luckily, bus drivers are quick with the brakes.

3. If a serial killer broke into my house . . . 

I’d grab my phone and hide in the closet. Then my phone would start BEEPING LOUDLY with Instagram notifications. The killer would find me and murder me. My death would be tragic, but I’d win an award for “Most Millennial Way To Die.” Also, I’d probably get a lot more Instagram followers. #WorthIt

4. If another serial killer broke into my house . . . 

I’d run past the front door and trap myself in a dark basement or attic. Because nothing ever goes wrong in those places. (On a related topic, why do serial killers keep coming in my house? Calm down, dudes. Killing me isn't even a challenge.)

5. If I was in charge of killing a werewolf . . .

My whole posse would get killed by a werewolf. I’d definitely lose the silver bullet. And probably the gun, too. You can’t trust me to keep track of small objects. You should know that by now. I’m pretty sure that our festering werewolf bites are everyone’s fault except mine.

6. Ditto with vampires . . . 

Don’t even hand me the stake. If you want to survive, tell me to stand in a corner while you deal with Dracula. I’d probably still find a way to get us killed, but we’d live a few minutes longer with me out of the way.

7. If we were backpacking through a creepy forest . . .

My backpack would be full of hardcover books. (Because what else would you put in a backpack?) When Sasquatch started chasing us, he’d catch me first. No, I’m not going to drop the backpack. Do you know how much a hardcover book costs? Now is not the time to discuss switching to e-books! I’ve made my choice, and it was a bad one.

8. If I heard scary noises in my house . . . 

I’d take a shower. Getting naked seems like a perfectly reasonable reaction to unexplained noises.

9. If I was in a ghost story . . .

I’d be the quirky white girl who pressures her husband into buying a haunted house because it has “character.” We all know that “character” is the most important part of any house! "We’re buying the spooky house, Brett, and you’re going to smile while you carry out my renovation plans. Of course the renovations won’t anger the ghosts. Don’t be silly. That's never happened."

10. If someone opened the cursed sarcophagus of an ancient mummy . . . 

I’d be the first in line to drink the mummy juice at the bottom of the coffin. I may have signed this petition . . . #YOLO and pass the ancient mystery slime, please. 🍹

How would you die in a horror story?