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The season is over, guys! I’m completely freaking out. What am I supposed to do with my life? Now I have to think about politics, or cleaning the house, or other equally horrible things.
I’ve read quite a few of these Game of Thrones wrap-ups this season. Bloggers are always so organized about them. I’m not going to be organized. I’m just going to blather at you stream-of-consciousness style. Also, I’m stealing Arya’s idea and making lists. I’m sorry about any spelling mistakes. I Googled most of the names, but in Westeros, excessive vowels seem to be in fashion.
I'm spoiling EVERYTHING ahead. Beware.
I Watched Game Of Thrones Season 7, And I Have Thoughts
List of people/things I’d like to see stabbed:
- Cersei Lannister
- Bran Stark
- Sansa Stark
- Euron Greyjoy
- All zombies
- Daenerys Targaryen (occasionally)
Singing boy appears on dragon show. Twitter loses mind: What did you think of Ed Sheeran’s appearance on the show? It’s mildly annoying that the scene was written just for him, but it’s not annoying enough to harass Ed on Twitter. Be nice on Twitter, people! It’s enough of a cesspool without us hating each other over a TV show.
Lady Olenna wins at death: “Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me.” I had a feeling that Lady Olenna was going to die this season. She was one of my favorites, so I was sad when she got poisoned, but her deathbed (death chair?) murder confession was so good. I’m glad she got the last word.
- Tyrion Lannister
- Jon Snow
- Ser Davos
- Bronn (does he have a last name? Or is he so awesome he doesn’t need one? Like Cher?)
- Arya Stark
- Sam Tarly and Gilly
- Yara Greyjoy
- More animals. Leave the critters alone!
Much water. Such drama. What was up with that magic river in The Spoils of War episode? The river is shallow when the horses are galloping through it. When Jaimie and Bronn fall in the water, it’s suddenly ocean-deep. Stop drowning so dramatically, guys. It’s a puddle.
List of people who need wicked-awesome redemption arcs in which they become the most badass heroes ever. (Stabbing them is optional):
- Jaimie Lannister
- Theon Greyjoy
- Jorah Mormont
- (Occasionally) Daenerys Targaryen
A stupidly brilliant idea that literally no one except me wants to see happen: Can Ramsay Bolton please become a snow zombie? I know that he was eaten by hungry dogs, and his corpse is frozen dog poop, and zombified dog poop is (probably?) useless, but he’d be the most psychotic zombie ever! Zombie Ramsay Bolton would be my favorite character. Theon Greyjoy should kill Zombie Ramsay. Someone email this idea to the show producers. I’ll wait.
Bran’s useless superpower. Am I the only one who finds Bran Stark annoying? I’ve just never cared about his three-eyed storyline. Also, he was like, “I have to tell Jon his real name!” Shouldn’t he also tell Jon that Cersei doesn’t plan to keep her promises? Wouldn’t that be helpful information? Shouldn’t he be using his power to spy on Cersei instead of on the sex lives of dead people? (Insert joke about perverted teen boys here.)
List of moments that gave me minor heart attacks and probably shortened my lifespan by at least ten days:
- Finding out that the season would only have seven episodes
- Theon jumping overboard instead of saving his sister
- Drogon getting shot with the Lannister’s anti-dragon gun
- Jaimie and Bronn almost getting barbecued by Drogon
- Viserion getting killed (and then un-killed)
- Whenever the camera zooms out and shows a million zombies
- ZOMBIE POLAR BEAR?!
- Tyrion telling Cersei to kill him
- When Sam took credit for Gilly discovering the marriage annulment. Dude, I love you, but not cool
- When the wall got blasted down. Tormund better have survived that because he needs to make monster babies with Brienne. I was promised monster babies!
The first three episodes were kinda boring. I know that they were building up to the epicness that was episodes 4-7, but they were still kinda boring. Cersei didn’t even seem upset that all her kids were dead. Except for the small Yara-and-Theon-related heart attack I had at the end of episode 2, everything was very meh.
Daenerys trolls Jon. One of my favorite scenes is when Jon shows Daenerys proof of the zombies in the cave. Then she ruins it with the “bend the knee” stuff. Daenerys has a one-track mind. Become queen, no matter how many awkward moments it creates.
- All the family reunions
- Those annoying Sand Snake girls finally dying
- Any scene with Sam in it
- Jon petting Drogon
- When the Hound threw a rock at a zombie. (I don’t know why he did it. For lolz, I guess? That island looked pretty boring. He had to liven things up.)
- Theon talking to Jon and deciding not to be a coward (finally!)
- Sansa and Arya teaming up to kill Littlefinger
- Jaimie and Cersei not agreeing about the zombie threat. (Please stab her, Jaimie!)
Jon Snow shows off his self-control (and makes me feel like a horrible person). When Jon reunites with Theon on the beach, he doesn’t punch Theon in the face. I was impressed. I would’ve knocked Theon’s teeth out for all the crap he put the Starks through.
#TeamArya vs #TeamSansa: Who would make a better Lady of Winterfell? I’m on Team Arya because I don’t always trust Sansa’s decisions, but I was so happy when they teamed up to kill Littlefinger. He’s finally gone! Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Sam curing Jorah and then going North
- Daenerys barbecuing everyone
- Gilly being semi-ignored by Sam while she says important stuff
- The Night King zombifing Viserion
- Jon Snow “bending the knee”
- The wall falling
Epic line: “I read the book and followed the directions.” – Sam on how he cured Jorah. Proof that bookworms will save the world.
Losing the plot: The thing that irritates me about this season is how plotlines would start and then vanish for several episodes. Like, what’s happening with Ellaria Sand and Tyene in Cersei’s dungeon? What is Greyworm doing with his stranded, starving army? Does anyone care that Sam stole books from that fancy library? (I hope he has money to pay the library fines.) And, more importantly, WHERE ARE THEON AND YARA?! Sorry for the shouty-caps, but I can’t handle any of my favorite characters disappearing for so long when THE CHANCES OF DEATH ARE SO HIGH! Theon was with Daenerys, and Yara got captured by Euron, and then I had to wait weeks to see what they were doing! Not cool, TV show.
- I moan when I’m forced to get off the couch
- Snowsuits make me look chubby(er)
- No Wi-Fi in the North
- I shrivel up and die without a constant supply of Mexican food
- Jon Snow probably wouldn’t let me fill their supply sled with books
- I ask uncomfortable questions
- Zombie polar bears? Aw, hell no! Not dealing with that!
Dragons and zombies make everything better. Whoever creates all those computerized critters is amazing at their job. The dragons and zombies looked epic this season.
- Jon Snow and Ser Davos
- Jaimie Lannister and Bronn No-Last-Name-Needed
- Tyrion Lannister and Lord Varys
- Tyrion Lannister and Jaimie Lannister
- Can we just have more Tyrion, please?
- Daenerys Targaryen and Jorah Mormont
- Cersei Lannister and whoever kills her. (I'm hoping Jaimie kills her.)
Death by stupidity: Whenever Jon almost gets killed by zombies, someone shows up to save him. Daenerys barbecues the zombies and airlifts Jon’s friends out of the battle. Jon’s uncle saves him when he’s too stupid to get on the freakin’ dragon. I want to see him spend less time brooding dramatically and more time saving himself. C’mon, dude! I know you’re adorable when you brood, but you make some terrible life choices.
- Where did the zombies get those giant chains they used to dredge up the dragon corpse?
- If zombies can't swim, how did they get the chains on the dragon?
- Why didn’t Jon have dragonglass when he was fighting the zombies? Didn't he spend pretty much the whole season mining dragonglass so he could kill zombies? Where is the dragonglass, Jon?
- Why didn’t Jon just get on the freakin’ dragon and get airlifted out with everybody else?
I’m scared of the books: I have book 1 of the series sitting on my TBR shelf right now. I’m terrified to read it because what happens if I love it? I have very little faith that the author will finish the series. Reading an incomplete series is frustrating. I guess there's always a chance that I'll hate it. Then I won't continue with the series, and none of this will matter. What should I do, guys?
The award for “Most Awkward Sexy Times” goes to . . . Was anyone else cringing really hard at the Jon/Daenerys sex scene? They’re gettin’ it on, and Bran’s narrating how they are related, and Tyrion’s creeping weirdly in the hallway. I know that being family has never put a damper on the characters’ hormones before, but . . . dude . . . that’s nasty. I wonder how they’ll react when they find out that they’re related. Drama is coming!
- Don’t throw rocks at the undead
- Compare family trees before sexy times
- Walls won't stop illegal zombie immigration