What Would Make Me Enjoy A Romance Book?

In honor of Valentine's Day, I'm going to make a confession: I'm romance curious. Usually, I avoid romance novels like the plague STDs, but I can't help being curious about them. Romance is the highest selling book genre. I know lots of readers who only read romance. I want to know what inspires that kind of dedication.

Romance is a difficult genre for me because I'm dead inside. A book probably isn't going to hook me by provoking emotion. So, what would make me enjoy a romance? Let's figure that out together.

What I (An Emotionally Stunted Zombie) Need In A Romance Novel

It's more than just a love story. I'm not interested in the love lives of fictional people. Or real people. I'm not even interested in my own love life. If a romance is going to hold my attention, it better have an awesome non-romantic subplot.

Magic. Magic is a pretty awesome non-romantic subplot. I think I like cozy fantasy because it gives me something to think about besides fictional people lusting over each other. The fictional people are lusting 🪄magically.

Maybe the characters aren't perfect at romance. If a sexy man was flirting with me at a bar, there's a high chance I'd be zoned out and wondering if the bar serves nachos. Listening to sexy men is not one of my strengths. I have character flaws, okay? I'm working on them. I also have priorities. Nachos before boys. (Nachos before muchachos?) What if romance book characters occasionally get distracted from romance?

Make it funny. Because love isn't serious all the time.

No awkwardly placed sex scenes. Once upon a time, I read a romantic thriller book I got for free. An Evil Dude murdered the female main character's sister. The main character and her boyfriend escaped from Evil Dude and ran into the woods. After pages of running and narrowly escaping Evil Dude, the couple finds an abandoned cabin. Then they have sex.

Um. Maybe now is not the time? Evil Dude is still hunting you!

This couple deserves to be on a podcast about history's most awkward crime scenes.

No abuse, please. I'm probably reading a romance because I want to escape from the horrors. I don't want to see the horrors romanticized.

Actually, can we just skip the third act breakup? It's a romance. We know the characters are going to be together in the end. Can we insert something more interesting than a breakup in the third act? Maybe some 🪄magic?

Less focus on the human body because I'm getting uncomfortable. Some authors put a lot of creativity into describing body parts. Other authors describe the same body part over, and over, and over. I understand that the characters are lusting, but I feel like a voyeur in this situation, and I hate it.

Do you have any romance recommendations for emotionally stunted zombies?