Tuesday, December 6, 2022

I Made Romance Books (I'm Sorry & You're Welcome)

I've read approximately 4 romance books in my life. That means I can declare myself a romance novel expert and start spouting nonsense on the Internet. So, that's what we're going to do today!

I want to be a romance novelist. To reach my romance-novel-writer dreams, I found several websites that randomly generate book titles. I got myself a free Canva account and (slightly) learned how to use it. Then I slapped together some book covers and invented a synopsis for each one. Romance novels achieved!

I regret to inform you that none of the books in this post are real, but you probably won't be disappointed by that news.

💋  10 brilliant romance novels created by me

(a romance expert)  💓

Dirty Sheets

College student Audrey is working as a hotel maid and dreaming of the day when she has enough money to buy Twitter from Elon Musk. She thinks she has her whole life figured out. Then a mysterious hotel guest throws a flaming Tesla into her plans.

One stormy afternoon, Audrey is changing the sheets on a bed when a note flutters to the floor:

To whoever finds this—meet me on the roof.

Should Audrey go? It kinda sounds like the start of a horror movie, but it's probably more fun than washing the sheets . . . .

Cougar Husbandry

Myrtle just moved to a 55+ gated community and is desperate to join the neighborhood harem, but does she have what it takes to impress Edwin, the sexiest man on the block?

His Majesty My King

Jonathon is a lowly barkeep in a vaguely European medieval city. He spends his nights serving unruly customers and his days painting the most lifelike portraits the city has ever seen.

His artwork catches the attention of King Majesty, the dark and brooding ruler of the realm. The king summons Jonathon to his creepy palace and commands him to paint a portrait. Jonathon is too scared to refuse.

The king's body is covered in scars from foreign crusades, and his propensity for spontaneous beheadings leaves the servants cowering, but Jonathon can't take his gaze off the mercurial king. Is he falling in love with King Majesty? Or is he just terrified of what will happen if he accidentally makes the king look chubby in his portrait?

Husbands For Sale

It's time to declutter . . . with a vengeance.

Seven Swipes Of Love

High-powered celebrity lawyer Emilia has enough stress in her life. On top of demanding clients and sleezy coworkers, she's trapped in a love triangle. How will she choose between the bad-girl movie star who may be an actual serial killer and the charming guitar player who leaves romantic mixtapes in Emilia's mailbox?

In a desperate attempt to relax, Emilia heads to the bar with some under-developed side characters. She drinks a little too much. Or a lot too much. The side characters convince her to sign up for the dating apps. All the dating apps.

Now strangers are sliding into Emilia's DMs. When she sobers up, she finds that her love triangle has expanded to a love octagon.

Can Emilia #girlboss her way out of this mess?

The Accidental Lasso Of Lust

Cowboy Colby is out searching for a missing calf when he catches something strange in his lasso. It's not human, and it's definitely not a calf. All Colby knows is that the creature is full of purple slime . . . and lust.

Cold Date

Zara: "Don't you think it's too cold for an outdoor date?"

Omar: "It's never too cold. Our love will keep us warm."

Narrator: "It was—in fact—too cold. Love is no match for hypothermia."

Lusty Leather (Suspicious Meats #1)

Off-duty cop Carmen is on her way home from a dominatrix convention when her car slides off a snowy mountain road. She hikes through the forest in search of help and stumbles across . . . a slaughterhouse. It's owned by Jeb, an amateur butcher and leather enthusiast.

Carmen finds Jeb's passion for exotic meats slightly off-putting, but the snowstorm has turned into a white-out blizzard. (She recently read a novel called Cold Date and learned the dangers of hypothermia.)

Since Carmen can't leave, she agrees to spend the night in a meat factory with a man she just met. What could go wrong?

Jeb and Carmen's epic slaughterhouse love story might make you throw up in your mouth . . . .

Arresting Arrested (Suspicious Meats #2)

Police officer Carmen and amateur butcher Jeb are planning a wedding that no one will ever forget. Then, their romance veers off course. A string of suspicious poisonings are traced back to Jeb's unlicensed slaughterhouse. Despite Carmen's efforts to throw the cops off Jeb's trail, he's arrested.

Carmen is heartbroken. She can't live without Jeb!

Will Carmen be able to break Jeb out of jail? Can she cure his addiction to unsafe butchering? And—most importantly—will readers forgive the mid-series cover design change? The covers of this book series don't match!

Before Jeb's arrest, Carmen was building a dominatrix dungeon in the slaughterhouse's basement. It wouldn't be too hard to convert the dungeon into a makeshift prison. She could build her own prison for Jeb. That way, she would have access to her beloved boyfriend, but he couldn't touch his tainted meat.

Carmen is going to free Jeb from jail—and then arrest him again and put him in the basement jail. This totally makes sense. She's doing it for his own good, right?

Secret Heart (Suspicious Meats #3)

Jeb escaped from the basement. (Who could have seen this coming?)

Would you read any of my books? I sure wouldn't.


  1. The descriptions are hilarious! I would give them a read if for nothing more than a great laugh.

  2. I need help getting up from the floor I was rolling on. Hilarious! I love romance books, but I can also see such things as this in that realm.

  3. I’d read all of these books. So funny.

    Here is our Top Ten Tuesday.

  4. HAHA, oh my gosh, this is amazing and so creative! Some of these titles and descriptions are too funny 😂 The accidental lasso of love?! Arresting arrested? Lusty leather (suspicious meats)! Too good. Great topic!

  5. Oh wow, this delivered a much needed laugh today. These are priceless. Myrtle joining the senior community harem is killing me. :)

  6. Cougar Husbandry lol. I didn't even know harem books EXISTED until blogging. Nice to see Colby made a new friend. And Cold Date is actually kind of a cool cover...

  7. OMG, I loved these so much! Laughed so much, and love that you even have a trilogy in here and a mention of one book in another one :D

  8. These are a riot. I truly wish I had your creativity.


  9. Yes, yes, yes. I'm especially sold on Husbands for Sale.

    Love these. But no park ranger romances?

  10. Hilarious! Are you sure these don't really exist? I'm pretty sure they seem familiar ;-D One of my best friends sent me a podcast a couple of years ago where they made fun of some of the worst romance books they could find on Amazon. These sound better than some of the (real) ones they talked about. I wish I could remember the name of that podcast now!

    I'm going to threaten my husband with a good decluttering the next time he irritates me! :-D

  11. This was so entertaining to read. Love the book titles and descriptions.

  12. These are hilarious! What a fun TTT list.

    Happy TTT!

  13. These are so funny!

    Pam @ Read! Bake! Create!

  14. You win the prize this week! These are ingenious! What a brilliantly creative idea and damn, you pulled it off; every book sounds ridiculous, yet wonderful! LOL. I applaud your writing talents!
    Terrie @ Bookshelf Journeys

  15. This is so fun!!! I love it. Thanks for the laughs today.

  16. If I'd been drinking at the time, I would have spit out my hot chocolate when I read the synopsis for Cougar Husbandry. Each one is hilarious! Thank you for the laughs today.

  17. Too funny. Cold Date about sums it up!

  18. Can you please write Husbands for Sale? I'd totally read that, LOL!

  19. Listen, people would absolutely read Cougar Husbandry lol. I'm so glad you went with love octagon, I was disappointed for a moment when it had seven in the title but started with only a triangle. Honestly, I'd probably read The Accidental Lasso of Lust, haha. This was so fun!

  20. Hahahahaha, lol sign me up please. Are you sure they're not real? I would go for Husbands for Sale lol, maybe even pitch that I'm blogger and will happily review your book :D

  21. I love your freebie theme (want to say I will use this for a future freebie but not sure if I am up to the task).. However, like everyone else, I will definitely sign up for reading these books should you ever choose to write them :-)
    Here is my TTT

  22. This is hilarious, AJ. I hope you are not disappointed if I say I wouldn't read any of them because same as you, I probably have only read about three or four romance novels in my life. LOL

    Thanks for visiting my TTT about Christmas Reads this week.

  23. I am not a big reader of romance but the titles sound fun.

  24. I am a huge fan of sweet, clean romance, but I still found these hilarious. I probably won't read any, so don't waste your time writing any of them. 🤣🤣

  25. These are hilarious, but I'm going to tell, as a big romance reader, most of these won't qualify as romance, lol. There has to be an HEA!!! :-) But this is fun! I am an aspiring author, or was, can't decide if I'm giving up. But anyway, I love making covers on Canva, lol. Fun post!
    Lisa Loves Literature

  26. I snorted coffee laughing at "It's time to declutter . . . with a vengeance." Thank you. :D

  27. This is my favorite thing on the entire internet. Full stop.