I Made Romance Books (I'm Sorry & You're Welcome)

I've read approximately 4 romance books in my life. That means I can declare myself a romance novel expert and start spouting nonsense on the Internet. So, that's what we're going to do today!

I want to be a romance novelist. To reach my romance-novel-writer dreams, I found several websites that randomly generate book titles. I got myself a free Canva account and (slightly) learned how to use it. Then I slapped together some book covers and invented a synopsis for each one. Romance novels achieved!

I regret to inform you that none of the books in this post are real, but you probably won't be disappointed by that news.

💋  10 brilliant romance novels created by me

(a romance expert)  💓

Dirty Sheets

College student Audrey is working as a hotel maid and dreaming of the day when she has enough money to buy Twitter from Elon Musk. She thinks she has her whole life figured out. Then a mysterious hotel guest throws a flaming Tesla into her plans.

One stormy afternoon, Audrey is changing the sheets on a bed when a note flutters to the floor:

To whoever finds this—meet me on the roof.

Should Audrey go? It kinda sounds like the start of a horror movie, but it's probably more fun than washing the sheets . . . .

Cougar Husbandry

Myrtle just moved to a 55+ gated community and is desperate to join the neighborhood harem, but does she have what it takes to impress Edwin, the sexiest man on the block?

His Majesty My King

Jonathon is a lowly barkeep in a vaguely European medieval city. He spends his nights serving unruly customers and his days painting the most lifelike portraits the city has ever seen.

His artwork catches the attention of King Majesty, the dark and brooding ruler of the realm. The king summons Jonathon to his creepy palace and commands him to paint a portrait. Jonathon is too scared to refuse.

The king's body is covered in scars from foreign crusades, and his propensity for spontaneous beheadings leaves the servants cowering, but Jonathon can't take his gaze off the mercurial king. Is he falling in love with King Majesty? Or is he just terrified of what will happen if he accidentally makes the king look chubby in his portrait?

Husbands For Sale

It's time to declutter . . . with a vengeance.

Seven Swipes Of Love

High-powered celebrity lawyer Emilia has enough stress in her life. On top of demanding clients and sleezy coworkers, she's trapped in a love triangle. How will she choose between the bad-girl movie star who may be an actual serial killer and the charming guitar player who leaves romantic mixtapes in Emilia's mailbox?

In a desperate attempt to relax, Emilia heads to the bar with some under-developed side characters. She drinks a little too much. Or a lot too much. The side characters convince her to sign up for the dating apps. All the dating apps.

Now strangers are sliding into Emilia's DMs. When she sobers up, she finds that her love triangle has expanded to a love octagon.

Can Emilia #girlboss her way out of this mess?

The Accidental Lasso Of Lust

Cowboy Colby is out searching for a missing calf when he catches something strange in his lasso. It's not human, and it's definitely not a calf. All Colby knows is that the creature is full of purple slime . . . and lust.

Cold Date

Zara: "Don't you think it's too cold for an outdoor date?"

Omar: "It's never too cold. Our love will keep us warm."

Narrator: "It was—in fact—too cold. Love is no match for hypothermia."

Lusty Leather (Suspicious Meats #1)

Off-duty cop Carmen is on her way home from a dominatrix convention when her car slides off a snowy mountain road. She hikes through the forest in search of help and stumbles across . . . a slaughterhouse. It's owned by Jeb, an amateur butcher and leather enthusiast.

Carmen finds Jeb's passion for exotic meats slightly off-putting, but the snowstorm has turned into a white-out blizzard. (She recently read a novel called Cold Date and learned the dangers of hypothermia.)

Since Carmen can't leave, she agrees to spend the night in a meat factory with a man she just met. What could go wrong?

Jeb and Carmen's epic slaughterhouse love story might make you throw up in your mouth . . . .

Arresting Arrested (Suspicious Meats #2)

Police officer Carmen and amateur butcher Jeb are planning a wedding that no one will ever forget. Then, their romance veers off course. A string of suspicious poisonings are traced back to Jeb's unlicensed slaughterhouse. Despite Carmen's efforts to throw the cops off Jeb's trail, he's arrested.

Carmen is heartbroken. She can't live without Jeb!

Will Carmen be able to break Jeb out of jail? Can she cure his addiction to unsafe butchering? And—most importantly—will readers forgive the mid-series cover design change? The covers of this book series don't match!

Before Jeb's arrest, Carmen was building a dominatrix dungeon in the slaughterhouse's basement. It wouldn't be too hard to convert the dungeon into a makeshift prison. She could build her own prison for Jeb. That way, she would have access to her beloved boyfriend, but he couldn't touch his tainted meat.

Carmen is going to free Jeb from jail—and then arrest him again and put him in the basement jail. This totally makes sense. She's doing it for his own good, right?

Secret Heart (Suspicious Meats #3)

Jeb escaped from the basement. (Who could have seen this coming?)

Would you read any of my books? I sure wouldn't.