Happy Valentine's Day. I'm In Love With A Sentient Object.

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Okay, let me explain. Last month, I read over 200 "Best Books Of 2024" lists, and I noticed a trend. There are quite a few books about humans who love . . . stuff. Sentient objects. Literally any random thing. I had no idea this genre existed. Of course, I ended up in a Google rabbit hole that got deep and weird. My search history needs to be cleansed with bleach and fire.

I'm not here to judge anybody's love life, but as an EMT, it's my duty to warn you that not every object belongs in your butt. Choose your love interests carefully. Some of them will not love you back.

Here are some sentient object love stories I discovered during my . . . um . . . crucial scientific research. These are all real books. I have not read any of them. I don't plan on reading any of them. I just wanted to share because it's almost Valentine's Day! It's time to celebrate love!

💕  Choose Your Date For Valentine's Day  💘

A Candyman For Christmas by Ames B. Winterbourne

Libby is desperate to be loved. After years of failed relationships, she is ready to settle down. When she walks into The Matchmaker Baker bakery, she falls madly in love with a peppermint chocolate bar! Can she live happily ever after with a candy man, or is their love doomed to fail?

Bagged By The Groceries by Fannie Tucker

When Ashley Dubois tossed the big fat cucumber in her shopping cart, she intended to put it in a salad, but the grocery monster had another place in mind! Living a pampered life in a high-end New Orleans condo, Ashley Dubois has little to complain about. But when a chance encounter with a wild-eyed homeless woman leaves her haunted by a voodoo curse, the trophy wife will face a voodoo demigod that will manifest himself in Ashley's bags of produce, meat, and bread as a creature out of her strangest nightmares. Then the grocery monster will make her steamiest dreams come true. And we all know what's going to happen to that cucumber.

Buy it on Amazon

Conquered By Clippy: An Erotic Short Story by Leonard Delaney

Christie Aackerlund doesn’t need help with anything. So when the world’s biggest technology company offers to fly her to a remote location and investigate an alien artifact, all by herself, she’s all like “I’ll do it!”

But the artifact isn’t what it seems, and soon an overly helpful giant living paperclip is getting her all bent out of shape.

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Light Me Up: A M/M Lamp Romance by Sabrina Cross

"He was the first man to ever turn me on. When he flipped my switch and lit me up that first time, I knew he was it for me. There would never be another.

It was unfortunate, then, that he didn’t even notice me. Sure, he appreciated my usefulness but he never really saw me when he was using me. To him, I was just another tool.

Before you get too hard on him, though, I should tell you something about myself. Something important.

I am a lamp.

Yes, you read that right.

A lamp."

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Oppressed In The Butt By My Inclusive Holiday Coffee Cups by Chuck Tingle

Former preacher turned viral video sensation, Jabua Fogstein, lives for the holidays; the sights, the smells, and especially the tastes. In fact, he’s so excited to try out his favorite coffee, Starbutts Christmas blend, that he camps out overnight for the introduction of their brand new red holiday cups.

But when Jabua receives his coffee, he finds himself in a waking nightmare, discovering that the cups have been redesigned in sleek plain red without a trace of Christmas imagery.

The shock causes Jabua to suffer a major heart attack and lands him in the hospital, but he’s about to receive some visitors that will open both his heart, and his butt. Soon enough, Jabua finds himself at the center of a hardcore gangbang with these handsome gay cups, and learns a little something about holiday spirit!

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Rake: An Erotic, Paranormal Gardening Romance by Nicole Parker

Taylor is a girl who needs to get her leaves in the bin before trash pick up.

Connor is a rake in every sense of the word.

Kyle is a best friend who is along for the ride.

What started out as a weird day will turn into so much more.

Taylor knows that she needs to clean up her yard before trash pick up tomorrow, but when she heads to her garage to get her supplies, something seems off. Luckily, her best friend, Kyle, is available to offer his services. When the two come together to deal with the leaves, Taylor meets Connor, who rocks her world.

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Seduced By The Pumpkin Spice Latte by Evelyn Cloves

Melissa is SO ready for her first Pumpkin Spice Latte of the season. But what she discovers when she takes her first sip is that she is into PSLs on a level she NEVER expected. Join her on her voyage of sexual discovery with a few Pumpkin Spice Lattes, a couple hot baristas, and a whole lot of sensual fun.

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Sky Daddy by Kate Folk

Linda is doing her best to lead a life that would appear normal to the casual observer. Weekdays, she earns $20 an hour moderating comments for a video-sharing platform, then rides the bus home to the windowless garage she rents on the outskirts of San Francisco. But on the last Friday of each month, she indulges in her true passion: taking BART to SFO for a round-trip flight to a regional hub. The destination is irrelevant because each trip means a new date with a handsome stranger—a stranger whose intelligent windscreens, sleek fuselages, and powerful engines make Linda feel a way that no human ever could.

Linda knows that she can’t tell anyone she’s sexually obsessed with planes—nor can she reveal her belief her destiny is to “marry” one of her suitors by dying in a plane crash, thereby uniting her with her soulmate plane for eternity. But when an opportunity arises to hasten her dream of eternal partnership, and the carefully balanced elements of her life begin to spin out of control, she must choose between maintaining the trappings of normalcy and launching herself headlong toward the love she’s always dreamed of.

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Taken By My TBR by Holly Wilde

What happens when the book you’re immersed in, becomes immersed in you? Tossing and turning doesn't just apply to a restless night in bed. It also is what happens when you can't find a book to quench your mood-reader thirst. Turning pages and tossing books into the growing TBR stack is how Paige spends her night. Unfortunately for her, giving up on her night of reading isn't an option.

When her stack of books comes to life, they make their intention tonight is the night the TBR gets its finish. The only question is, will the happy ending lead to a happily ever after?

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Unhinged: An Erotic Door Romance by Vera Valentine

Someone’s been watching Tana closely, but he’s a lot closer than she realizes. From intimate moments to lazy afternoons on the couch, he’s secretly seen it all—and fallen for her along the way. The problem is that someone else is watching too, and his obsession with Tana is a lot more dangerous. When a man claiming to be her front door enters her dreams to warn her about an imminent threat to her life, Tana initially chalks it up to her weird late-night snacks. But she rethinks things when her earnest visitor insists he’s also ready to protect her—in exchange for one hell of a favor. When Tana trades her best line of defense for an unlikely supernatural ally, the threat lurking beyond her apartment hallway starts getting desperate as the law closes in. Can her inhuman companion save her from the worst of humanity, or is it too late for both of them?

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So . . . are you intrigued or horrified?