Top Ten Tuesday: Jobs I’d Have If I Were Fictional

 

Have you ever come across a fascinating job in a novel and thought, Is that job real? Am I too old for a drastic career change? That’s what we’re talking about today! I wish I was a fictional character so I could have these awesome “jobs.” We should probably put “jobs” in quotes because some of these activities are seriously stretching the definition of that word. A few of my “jobs” are actually far-fetched schemes to avoid work. So . . . they’re the opposite of jobs. Whatever. This is my stupid fantasy career list. Don’t overthink it.

 

“JOBS” I’D HAVE IF I WERE FICTIONAL

 

 

 

 

The Cupcake Baker’s Girlfriend

 

I’m not a good baker, and I’m too lazy to run a business, but I’m excellent at eating cupcakes. That’s why I should be a cupcake baker’s girlfriend. Baker Boyfriend would do all the hard work. I’d hang around the bakery and eat the leftovers. It’s a perfect arrangement! We’d live happily ever after (until my heart explodes from all the sugar).

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Person Who Rides Dragons For Some Reason

Riding a dragon looks fun. And cold. And windy. And dangerous. But, I’d ignore the risk of plunging to my frozen death if I had a chance to ride a dragon. In most books, dragon riders are soldiers who use their dragons in battle. That’s not going to happen with me. Wars are loud and messy. I’m too fluffy for the soldier life. I’d rather just be a posh lady who has a stable of dragons to pull her around in fancy gold sky carriages. I could give people rides in my carriage. I’d be a luxury dragon Uber driver. That’s a solid business idea right there. Well, until the dragons start roasting and eating my customers . . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grouchy Innkeeper . . . In Space!

I can tell you from experience that working with the public sucks. You have to smile while they abuse you. They have boring demands. Customer service jobs might be less tedious if your customers were space aliens. I’d run the only hotel on the untamed frontier of a distant planet. My guests would come from all over the universe. If they were rude to me, I’d tell them to get lost. I own the only hotel! They can either stay with me or sleep outside with the blood-sucking space bugs. It would be glorious.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Intimidating But Benevolent Headmistress Of A Magical Boarding School

I want to live my Professor McGonagall dream. She’s an icon! Just like her, I’d be a quick-witted badass who could confidently handle the shenanigans of magical children.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Ghost Who Haunts A French Château

I’ve been watching too much Escape To The Château. It’s a good show, if you like castles and home renovation. It’s on HGTV in the US. Basically, I want to marry Dick Strawbridge from that show. That’s my plan. It doesn’t matter that he’s already married. He’s the perfect husband! He has money; likes to cook; and builds whatever his wife wants, even if her design involves an uncomfortable number of taxidermy ducks. Dick can do all the castle renovations. I’ll put on a fancy dress and creep around the 400-year-old château like a tragic Countess who died from consumption in 1812. Every château needs a ghost. I’m very good at creeping.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Psychic Crone Who Makes “Chosen One” Prophecies In Fantasy Books

“Chosen One” plotlines are out of style right now, so maybe it’s a bad idea to be a psychic crone in this economy. Whatever. Bad ideas have never stopped me before. I want to choose the next character to save the world. Then I’ll sit back and smugly watch my prophecy come true. I’ll have a lot of time for sitting because the crone usually disappears from the narrative after she makes her prophecy. No one wants to read about a crone! I’ll just cause some chaos and then stroll away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Girl Who’s Naturally Skinny

Okay, this isn’t a job. I can’t even think of a clever way to pretend it’s a job. I just need an excuse to complain about something. I read a lot of books where the female characters say, “I’m sooo skinny. I eat 10 cakes a day and never grow any curves!” Um . . . HOW ARE THESE FICTIONAL LADIES LIVING MY DREAM? I eat one cheesy breadstick, and my butt grows three sizes. It’s not fair. That’s my complaint. My butt doesn’t know how to be skinny. I wish it would learn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Reclusive Billionaire With A Private Tropical Island

I want to be Christian Grey from 50 Shades Of Grey, but without the potentially deadly sex hobbies. Dangerous sex-capades are forbidden on my island. I’m not calling the Coast Guard because you stuck your private parts where they don’t belong. I’m not interested in casual hookups, but I want all the other perks of Christian Grey’s life. Fancy houses and luxury vacations and helicopters on demand. That would be awesome. How did I earn my billions? No one knows because I never do anything resembling work!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Character Who Gets All The Witty Dialogue

I’m going to be unselfish with this one and create a job for someone else. I want to hire a writer to script all my conversations and actions. Every single one of them. I want to charm strangers. I want to know the perfect thing to say in every situation. I want to be graceful. I want to be witty and intelligent. I don’t know what that’s like!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Masquerade Ball Party Planner

If you’ve read fantasy or historical fiction books, then you know that masquerade balls never go out of style. They’ve been popular since . . . since humans invented masks, I guess. Talk about job security! There’s always a masquerade happening. I can understand why. Who wouldn’t want to waltz in the dark with mysterious strangers? (Well, I wouldn’t, but I guess people enjoy this kind of thing? People are weird.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Which fictional job do you want?