Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Top Ten Tuesday: How I’d Die In A Horror Story




Top Ten Tuesday is hosted by That Artsy Reader Girl. This week’s topic is whatever I want. I love horror novels, but I’d be a terrible horror protagonist. I’d for-sure be the first character to die. In honor of Halloween and my complete incompetence, let’s look at 10 ways I’d die in a horror story.








How I’d Die In A Horror Story






1. If I was on a space adventure . . . 


An alien parasite would burst out of my stomach at an inopportune moment. I probably contracted the parasite from eating a questionable gas station sandwich. In my defense, there was bacon on the sandwich. Aliens know that I’m powerless against bacon.










2. If I was running from a monster . . . 


I’d trip over my own feet and get hit by a bus. It would be anticlimactic, but highly realistic. This actually came very close to happening to me in real life. Luckily, bus drivers are quick with the brakes.










3. If a serial killer broke into my house . . . 


I’d grab my phone and hide in the closet. Then my phone would start BEEPING LOUDLY with Instagram notifications. The killer would find me and murder me. My death would be tragic, but I’d win an award for “Most Millennial Way To Die.” Also, I’d probably get a lot more Instagram followers. #WorthIt










4. If another serial killer broke into my house . . . 


I’d run past the front door and trap myself in a dark basement or attic. Because nothing ever goes wrong in those places. (On a related topic, why do serial killers keep coming in my house? Calm down, dudes. Killing me isn't even a challenge.)










5. If I was in charge of killing a werewolf . . .


My whole posse would get killed by a werewolf. I’d definitely lose the silver bullet. And probably the gun, too. You can’t trust me to keep track of small objects. You should know that by now. I’m pretty sure that our festering werewolf bites are everyone’s fault except mine.










6. Ditto with vampires . . . 


Don’t even hand me the stake. If you want to survive, tell me to stand in a corner while you deal with Dracula. I’d probably still find a way to get us killed, but we’d live a few minutes longer with me out of the way.










7. If we were backpacking through a creepy forest . . .


My backpack would be full of hardcover books. (Because what else would you put in a backpack?) When Sasquatch started chasing us, he’d catch me first. No, I’m not going to drop the backpack. Do you know how much a hardcover book costs? Now is not the time to discuss switching to e-books! I’ve made my choice, and it was a bad one.










8. If I heard scary noises in my house . . . 


I’d take a shower. Getting naked seems like a perfectly reasonable reaction to unexplained noises.










9. If I was in a ghost story . . .


I’d be the quirky white girl who pressures her husband into buying a haunted house because it has “character.” We all know that “character” is the most important part of any house! "We’re buying the spooky house, Brett, and you’re going to smile while you carry out my renovation plans. Of course the renovations won’t anger the ghosts. Don’t be silly. That's never happened."










10. If someone opened the cursed sarcophagus of an ancient mummy . . . 


I’d be the first in line to drink the mummy juice at the bottom of the coffin. I may have signed this petition . . . #YOLO and pass the ancient mystery slime, please. šŸ¹











How would you die in a horror story? 








83 comments:

  1. I would probably trip as well, most likely over a dog toy/treat. I love these. Maybe you could beat Sasquatch with the hardcover books in the bag? Just an idea.

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    1. I trip over my dog and her accessories all the time. It’s a good idea to smash Sasquatch in the face with a bag full of books. It’ll either kill him or make him very angry.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

      Delete
  2. I'm fat and unfit so I'd be wheezing my way down the street with zombies in pursuit and be a pathetic walking buffet!

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    1. Haha, same. I would not last long against an army of zombies.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

      Delete
  3. Lol, these are perfect! I would die from trying to keep my klutz of a boyfriend alive if it involves anything you need balance for.

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    1. Haha. I guess it’s everyone for themselves in a horror story.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  4. Omg this was hilarious! I would probably die in similar ways.

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  5. The alien parasite sounds like a bad way to go. Try to avoid that gas station sandwiches. Or space travel. Whichever. Mummy juice? MUMMY JUICE? Excuse me while I lose my lunch. *blech* Hear a scary nose? Take a shower. Sounds reasonable. And potentially deadly.

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    1. I don’t know why people in horror movies are so dumb! If you hear something creepy, you should never get naked!

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  6. LOL WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DRINK THE CREEPY MUMMY JUICE?? Like seriously, I gotta hear the logic for this one.

    Love this post!! My TTT is here and it's about book related anxieties bc anxieties are the creepiest.

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    1. Haha, there is no logic. Logical decisions are not my forte. :)

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  7. #3 lol. Our phones will betray us at the most inopportune time with all their beeps and notifications!

    Mummy juice? Oh my... :)

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    1. I’m convinced that my phone will find a way to murder me someday.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  8. I love your TTT this week!

    I don't know how I'd do in a horror story. I was in the military...

    True story. Once when I was at work this creepy guy came in with a gun (open carry is legal, but he was carrying it around like he was looking for somebody). Anyway, I was working at the self-checkout and when I first realized the guy was there I was mentally preparing to go to the exit if anything started going down. So maybe I would do okay. I don't know.

    I did do some live tweeting from the back room after we were all evacuated there though... but I was prepared to hurt him if he tried coming through the door.

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    1. That would be terrifying! I’ve seen a few dudes walking around with guns in plain sight, and it always freaks me out. I don’t trust them.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  9. You never fail to amaze me with your creativity and how much your post amuse me. This is hilarious!

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  10. You are too funny! If I were in outer space, I'd probably get sucked out of the ship. And yeah, scary noises in the house always seem to happen at the most inopportune times.

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    1. In space, you have to be very careful about which door you open. :)

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  11. Oh gosh, I love your post! I laughed so hard! My phone would totally betray me and I know I'd trip and fall if I was trying to run away.

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    1. If I don’t silence my phone, it beeps constantly. I know it would betray me at the worst possible moment.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  12. LMAO! This post is the absolute best. And I too am powerless against bacon so number 1 is all too relatable.

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    1. Bacon is just too yummy. I know it would get me in trouble.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  13. OMG I couldn't stop laughing at the award for "Most Millennial Way to Die" XD. XD. XD. Great post!

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  14. You are too funny, I LOVE THIS. Because... it's so true, right? You always see the hero in the book getting away, but the real-world story absolutely ends in death by Instagram notification. Or sarcophagus juice, whichever. (That is SO vile hahah) And the "white girl who pressures her husband into buying a haunted house because it has “character.”" KILLED ME because um, I want to read this- like House Hunters meets PNR and I am so HERE for it.

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    1. I’d be the worst main character ever. I’m boring, and I’d find a stupid way to get myself killed in the prologue. I wouldn’t even make it to chapter 1.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  15. This was such a fun post. I will definitely keep these in mind, so I can avoid a quick death if I ever find myself in a horror story.

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  16. Haha this was hilarious! Number 1 is definitely how I'd die in space. Or if I was being chased by Sasquatch, he'd simply catch me because I'm so slow. Even without the heavy backpack of hardcovers.

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    1. I’m such a slow runner! Sasquatch would catch me, too, even if I dropped the backpack.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  17. I'd slip and fall down the stairs while trying to run away from anything. I know this because falling is a fairly large part of my life even with absolutely nothing is going on.

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    1. I can relate to that! I used to take a medication that made me dizzy. I just randomly tipped over in front of the mailman one day.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  18. I know 100% I would die in a zombie movie bc zombies are the only things that give me nightmares. I'd probably just freeze and my brains would be eaten by the hoard.

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    1. Zombies are scary! I’d have no chance of surviving the horde.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  19. Haha! Amazing take on the list this week. I really enjoyed reading your post.

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  20. Ahhh! You have me in stitches! Such a fantastic post! I think the club sandwich from a gas station that gives you an alien parasite is brilliant. Happy Halloween! :)

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  21. Fun post! I would definitely trip over my own feet as well. The closest thing to any of these scenarios I have had is when two burglars were caught by the police while they were hiding behing our garden shed. My brother and I were home at the time and watched the whole thing unfold. Afterwards the police just left without saying a thing to us...

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    1. That’s crazy. I’m glad the police caught them, and they didn’t burgle your house.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  22. I adore your TTT this week - so funny and so creative! I would definitely die by either falling over when running away from someone or having my phone start playing music just I'm hiding from the serial killer.

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  23. Ahahahaha I love this post so much, it's such a fun idea! I'd most likely fall over when running away from someone just as well hahaha.

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  24. This is so funny because a few months ago my husband and I were in bed and our living room light came on. O_O So, despite every single horror movie we've ever seen and always yelling at the actors for doing dumb things - we just walked right out there in our underwear lol I had my phone but I was checking Twitter. If it was a killer (it was a defective light switch) we would have been killed instantly.

    Karen @ For What It's Worth

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    1. The same thing happened with the light switch in my bathroom. The light turned itself on in the middle of the night. I stumbled out of bed and turned it off without even thinking about it.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  25. This is hilarious! Great job on the Top Ten post :)

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  26. Lol, love your post! If I was running from a monster, I would take refuge in the library. Monsters don't read books, right?

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    1. I’m pretty sure that libraries are safe. Only smart, good people go in those.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  27. So funny! Yeah, I've often thought about the fact that I would totally die in any sort of apocalypse or horror situation. Just count me out, right from the start.

    Nicole @ Feed Your Fiction Addiction

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    1. Exactly! I’m not a hero, and I’m too squishy for the apocalypse.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  28. This is an awesome idea for this weeks TTT! Love your creativity in this post!

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  29. Hahahaha this is SO GREAT! I am with you, I'd die in some of the funniest and weirdest ways if I was in any sort of horror movies. You're so creative! Amazing post. Thank you for checking out my post!

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  30. This is hilarious, I love it!

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  31. This was the most creative take I saw on this week's topic. Great job.

    Here is our Top Ten Tuesday. Thanks for stopping by earlier.

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  32. This is brilliant, I've been giggling so much over all your deaths. Especially the too-many-books-in-the-rucksack one. I'd probably be so engrossed in my book that I wouldn't even notice the vampire/zombie/serial killer until ... oops!

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    1. Haha, same! I get so distracted by books that I have no idea what’s happening around me.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  33. I'd get distracted by a butterfly and die by whatever was chasing me Lol

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    1. I’d get distracted by dogs. I have to pet them, no matter what’s chasing me.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  34. Bwahahah I'd totally be a trip over my own feet. Or stop to pet the kitties. *hangs head*

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    1. If there’s a cute animal to pet, then I’m dead for sure.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  35. Awesome post! It totally made me laugh.

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  36. Oh my gosh this is to funny!! I would totally trip over my own feet or have an asthma attack.

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  37. Oh my word, "most millennial way to die" has me rolling!!! Your posts are always so creative and hilarious - thanks for consistently sharing such amazing content. :-)

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  38. That last one - ewwwwwwwww!!!!!! WHY WOULD ANYONE EVEN THINK OF THAT?!

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    1. I DON’T KNOW! The internet is a strange and terrifying place.

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  39. Hahahahahahahaha! This is brilliant, but I must admit I gagged more than a little over the sarcophagus juice. šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚

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    1. That sarcophagus juice looks so nasty. I wonder what it is?

      Aj @ Read All The Things!

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  40. Haha great twist on the topic. But oh my gosh that last one. Ew. Gag. Why is there a petition for that. WHY?

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  41. I love this post so much! And YES to bacon! My oldest doesn't like a BLT, even though he loves bacon. I was like....how are you even related to me?!?! HA!
    Jen @ Star-Crossed Book Blog

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