1. A frolic through the psycho bushes. June started with me taking my dogs on a pleasant stroll through the fields. It was a very nice walk until my idiot dog took off after a prairie dog and dove headfirst into the nastiest bramble bushes I’ve ever seen. I had to drag her out of the bushes and onto the sidewalk. She yelped the whole way because her feet were full of burrs, but I couldn't pick her up because she weighs 70 pounds and would fight me if I tried.
When we got to the sidewalk, do you think she stayed still and calmly let me de-prickle her? Of course not. That would have been a sane thing to do. We basically got into a wrestling match in the middle of the sidewalk with her yelping and me screaming, “Why won’t you let me help you?!” The pointy bits of the burrs kept breaking off and embedding themselves under the skin of my hands! Then my hands started bleeding. Then the dog headbutted my face so hard that I bit my tongue. Then my tongue started bleeding. The dogs and I are always a hot mess, but this event took “hot mess” to a whole new level. We were a flaming, prickly, screaming disaster rolling around on a sidewalk.
Do you know why we were in the field and not on the sidewalk in the first place? It’s because every summer competitive cyclists come to Colorado to train at high altitude. My town basically becomes the redneck Tour de France every June. While I was bleeding from the mouth and trying to pull burrs off an angry dog, I had to dodge all these steroid-fueled Spandex fanatics who were blasting past us at a million miles an hour.
Do you think my other dog could just chill during this mess? Of course not. She ran around yapping and tangling everyone in her leash. We got ourselves de-prickled in the end, but my hands and tongue swelled up huge.
The moral of the story: Prairie dogs are jerks. Don’t chase them.
|My dogs without prickles|
2. Things that shouldn’t exist. While I was running one day, a giant ball of stinging insects flew right past me. I don’t know if they were bees or wasps because I ran for my freakin’ life when I saw them. Why are there wasp clouds? It was like a horror movie. Then, a little way past the bee ball, I saw a huge snake. It was about 4 feet long and as thick as a baseball bat. At first I thought it was a rattlesnake (we have those here), but I didn’t see a rattle when I ran past it. Maybe it was a bullsnake? I don’t know, but I think nature is plotting to murder me. This is why I should never go outside.
3. Speaking of things that shouldn’t exist. I ordered a pizza, and one of the topping choices on the menu was pickles. Do people really put pickles on pizza?
4. Is this real life? June was so stupidly hot that no one could sleep. My neighbor dragged his TV onto his porch, and now he sits out there all night, loudly watching Fox News. I keep waking up to Donald Trump’s voice echoing ominously through the silent neighborhood. The first time it happened, I thought I’d broiled to death in my sleep and woken up in Hell. It’s been a lot of years since I read Dante’s Inferno, but I’m pretty sure there’s a circle of Hell that’s pitch black, boiling hot, and populated by politicians. I visit that place every night now . . .
5. Super-Buff Running Guy won’t tell me his secrets. I’ve started running outside three days a week. I keep seeing the same people on my runs, so I’ve given them all names. One of them is Super-Buff Running Guy. I always see him when I’m near death and he’s sprinting past me. The first time I saw him, I honestly thought he was a hallucination of my oxygen-starved brain because no one can possibly run that fast. He must be some kind of Greek god. Then, a few days ago, he smiled and gave me a thumbs-up as he sprinted past me. I stumbled after him going, Come back, running god! Tell me how to become you! He didn’t come back, but someday I’m going to run fast enough to pass somebody. I’m always the one getting left behind for nature to eat/sting/prickle.
6. Occasionally, things don’t go horribly wrong. I promised I’d show you photos of my latest hike, so here they are. Aside from having to use a gross outhouse toilet, the hike was great.
Cait @ Paper Fury sometimes shares the odd Google searches that lead people to her blog. I’m stealing her idea. Here are a few strange searches that brought wayward Googlers to Read All The Things! in the past six months.
“First time sex stories.” A surprising number of people have come here after Googling this, so allow me to point you in a non-perverted direction. There’s an anthology called The V-Word: True Stories about First-Time Sex. It’s stuffed full of people losing their virginity. It’s probably a more trustworthy source than whatever Google dredges up.
“aj generator 2017.” This sounds like you want to clone me. That’s a terrible idea! My clones will descend on your kitchen like a locust plague and munch all your sweets. Any attempt to communicate with them will be met with sarcasm. They will bite if captured. Once they’re in your house, you’ll need doughnut helicopters to get them out. Before you clone me, ask yourself, “Do I have the budget for doughnut helicopters?”
“What positive trait does shawn have?” He helps his grandmother shop for festive pantsuits? That's just a guess. I have no idea who Shawn is.
“Does it talk about hepatitis?” It must, or you wouldn’t be here.
My Reading So Far
In the first half of 2017, I read 55 books. I’m on-track to read 100 this year, which is my goal.
Books I Read In June
In June, I finished 7 books and DNFed 1.
Station Eleven – Emily St. John Mandel
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince – J.K. Rowling (reread)
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – J.K. Rowling (reread)
The Heart Goes Last – Margaret Atwood
The Girls – Emma Cline
A Fortune-Teller Told Me: Earthbound Travels in the Far East – Tiziano Terzani (DNF)
Year of Wonders: A Novel of the Plague – Geraldine Brooks
Within These Walls – Ania Ahlborn
I also made progress on my reading challenges. Click here to see how I’m doing.
Best Books Of June
1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – J.K. Rowling (reread)
2. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince – J.K. Rowling (reread)
3. Station Eleven – Emily St. John Mandel
Most-Viewed June Reviews
Most-Viewed June Non-Reviews
All The Things
All The Things (AKA number of unread books on my TBR shelf) = 32 books.
I’m currently reading (and adoring) Snow Falling on Cedars by David Guterson.
What did you do in June?