Top Ten Tuesday: I’m The Best Fantasy Book Author Ever

Top Ten Tuesday is hosted by That Artsy Reader Girl. This week’s topic is overused words in book titles. 

If you’ve been on this blog before, you’ve probably seen me complain about generic fantasy titles. A lot of fantasy authors seem to be drawn to the same words. First, you have your generic “royalty” words: Prince, princess, queen, daughter, castle, court, throne, kingdom, city, assassin, pirate, thief, crown, etc. Then you have your generic “mysterious magic” words: Blood, glass, bone, ruins, dance, raven, crow, mist, forest, dream, smoke, storm, fire, etc.

If you combine a few of those words, you have a bestselling fantasy novel!

While I was shaking my head at all these bookish clones, inspiration struck. I decided that I should become the next great fantasy author! I know how to randomly combine words!

To find the titles of my future bestselling books, I wrote down 40 fantasy words. Then I dumped them in a cup, pulled them out at random, and put them into generic-fantasy-title order. These are the more . . . um . . . interesting titles that I randomly created.

Guys, I’m Gonna Be A Bestselling Author. Here are my amazing books:

A Clash of Cruel Goblets 

A book that doubles as a drinking game? Who wouldn't want to read it? Admittedly, it does sound a little messy. Hopefully the publisher will package it with towels.

A Court of Dragon Assassins

 Are these dragons who assassinate humans, or humans who assassinate dragons? Nobody knows! It could be both. Death for everyone!

A Dance for Starlight Thieves

This book is so poetic that not even the author knows what it’s about. I guess it's kind of like that Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns blocks out the sun. Except, in this book, there's dancing. For some reason.

A Game of Secrets and Princesses

I’m pretty sure this book is like a low-budget Medieval porno. Who knows what's under all that fluffy princess clothing? It's a secret! So many sexy necks and ankles. And probably some dirt and fleas. People didn't bathe very often in Medieval times.

Children of Lies and Fury

These children are going to need some serious therapy when they grow up. Or they’ll pull a Carrie and kill us all. Either way, it should be entertaining.

Magician and the Raven Mist

At first I thought it was lazy to name the main character “Magician,” but then I decided that it sounds like a celebrity baby name. It’s not lazy; it’s trend-setting. “Raven Mist” is what happens when you hit a raven with your car at high speed. Also, I think the bird on the cover is a crow. I don’t know. I'm not a bird specialist. It’s probably best not to ask questions.

The Final Glass Ship Prisoners

I don’t know what a glass ship is, but it seems wildly impractical. Does “Final” refer to the ships, or to the prisoners? What happened to the rest of the ships and/or prisoners? Why would you make more than one glass ship? Isn't one stupid enough? IS THIS ALL A METAPHOR? So many questions. I’m confused and anxious already.

The Halfling Queen’s Smoky Wind

With a title like that, this book could only be about one thing: Magical flatulence. I’m giving a whole new meaning to the phrase “unique magic system.”

The Halfling Child Bride of Feast Mountain

This is obviously the prequel to The Halfling Queen’s Smoky Wind.

Throne of Daughters 

Daughters aren’t usually for sitting on. That would be awkward. And uncomfortable. But, thrones have to be made of something. Why not daughters?

You’d preorder my books, right? I’m going to be so rich . . .